The Heart Can Freeze
by ThrowDownTheKey
Summary: "Collins wasn't himself anymore. Merely a shadow of the man he once was. Angel was everything to him. She held a piece of his soul that no one else ever had. He discovered what it felt like to really, truly love. She was his reason to live, his everything. And naturally, when you lose your everything, you become nothing. At least Collins did."


Collins woke up like he did every morning. For a second, he forgot. For a precious second every morning, she was alive. She could have been sleeping next to him, or in the kitchen making coffee. For a second, he was happy.

And then he remembered. She was gone. And she was never going to come back. She wasn't out drumming around the corner, or in the kitchen, she was gone. It had been almost two months.

So, like every morning, he forgot, then remembered. Then he sighed, and gazed longingly at the picture on his bedside. It was his absolute favorite. Maureen had taken it with Mark's camera one day when they were all at the park. Angel was in his lap, her head resting on his chest. They were both laughing, because they had a real reason to. It was one of the last, true laughs they'd shared. Of course they'd laughed after that, but it was usually just to mask how sad they really were. Or Angel, being the eternal optimist she had been, would laugh. But Collins could never mean it after that. Because after that, he was always hiding his fear, his sadness, and his pain. Feelings that came along with losing, or fear of losing, the love of your life.

Collins wasn't himself anymore. Merely a shadow of the man he once was. Angel was everything to him. She held a piece of his soul that no one else ever had. Her smile could make him light up. She saved him. Saved him from dying in an alleyway, but she also saved him from so much more. He discovered what it felt like to really, truly love. She was his reason to live, his everything. And when you lose your everything, naturally, you become nothing. Or at least Collins did.

He would walk into the bathroom, past Angel's pickle tub, that now held her drumsticks and the Santa sweater she wore the second day they met. He'd wash his face, brush his teeth, put on a clean shirt, and walk to school like a ghost. Once there he'd teach bratty kids about a subject he couldn't care less about.

Soon it was after his five o'clock class on a Tuesday, his last class of the day. Then a student came up to him. "Professor?" the young boy asked. He was short, but skinny, maybe slightly muscular. A senior named Andrew. He was Hispanic, with short, dark curly hair. He looked the slightest bit like Angel. One day he had come to school wearing a red jacket, and when Collins entered the classroom for a second, he actually thought he was Angel.

"Yes Andrew?" Collins replied. All of the other students had left the classroom.

"I was wondering if you wanted to get some coffee or something. I'm having trouble with coming out to my parents, and I just… I needed someone to talk to I guess," he said nervously.

Collins sighed, he was known as the 'gay' teacher here at NYU. He was probably the only teacher who really stood up for himself and believed in diversity. He was about to say no, when he glanced down at Angel's picture sitting on his desk. He knew what she would have said. "Yes, sure Andrew. Why don't we go now? I don't have anything better to do. Want to go to the Life?" Collins answered before he could change his own mind.

"That'd be so amazing Professor," Andrew said, packing up his backpack. "Come on," he said, tilting his head and smiling.

Collins froze. The way Andrew had just said, 'come on' was exactly how Angel said it. Collins shook the thought from his head and followed Andrew out the classroom, locking the door behind him.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

"With meatless balls please," Collins added. The waiter scribbled the order down and left. "So what's up Andrew?" Collins asked the student before him.

"Well sir-"

"Call me Collins."

Andrew blushed. "Okay, Collins. Well, I'm gay. But that's not all, I think I might be a transvestite…" Andrew looked down shamefully. "I really haven't told anyone else, but I saw the picture of you and that girl on your desk, and I just thought-"

Collins looked at his student. "It's okay Andrew, I'm not going to get mad or judge you. I'm actually honored you chose to talk to me about this," Collins said.

"Thanks," Andrew continued. "Well, my brother came out to my parents, and they kicked him out. Now my parents, especially my father, well… they put a lot of pressure on me to be the perfect American son. But the thing is, I've known I was gay for a while. I've been living a lie. My dad was concerned that I never had a girlfriend, so I told him I was dating my best friend Caroline. She was great about it, she knew I was gay, but she played along. Let me take her to prom, we even went on a few fake dates."

"But most nights," Andrew kept talking. "When I told my parents I was out with her, I went to the gay bar downtown. People accepted me there, didn't judge me. And one night, I actually did go over to Caroline's. I saw her putting on makeup, and it looked like fun, so I let her do me up. I wore one of her dresses, tried on her heels, and we even went out and bought a wig. Then we went to the bar, and I just felt alive. Like I've never felt before. Like I could finally be myself. So I sneak out a lot now, dress in drag, and really it's the only time I feel comfortable and free," Andrew took a sip of his soda. "So now, I know I have to tell my parents. I can't keep 'dating' Caroline, and I don't want to have to lie about who I am anymore. I know they'll kick me out, but I don't really care. My bags are packed and hidden in my closet, and I'll have to arrange an apartment, maybe I can find a place with cheap rent."

Collins laughed. "Andrew, my friend, you live in New York. Cheap rent does not exist in this state. But you could definitely crash with me and my roommates until you get a job."

Andrew smiled warmly, "I would enjoy that a lot, thank you so much Professor," Andrew took a bite out of his sandwich. "You're the first person I could really talk to and have understand."

Collins nodded slowly, noticing how much Andrew looked like Angel when he smiled. "Don't mention it… you remind me of someone."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Mark," Mark said, shaking Andrew's hand. It had been two weeks since Andrew and Collins had had their conversation, and Andrew finally moved in. He had a job as a waiter at the Life, so he could pay his portion of the rent. Collins invited all the bohemians over to meet him.

"Nice camera," Andrew commented, making Mark beam. "Maybe you could show me how to use it sometime."

Mimi laughed. She was sitting on Roger's lap. "Oh my dear, uneducated friend," Roger smiled, "you should know that Mark won't let anyone touch his baby. Well, no one except for-"

Maureen burst through the loft's door, cutting Roger off. "Speaking of the devil…" Roger mumbled.

"Hi!" she said loudly. "Oh you must be Andrew!" She pulled the boy into a hug, then examined his face. "Well aren't you hot!" she exclaimed, making Andrew blush.

"Do I even exist?" Joanne said, walking into the kitchen.

"Yes, but that doesn't change how damn hot this boy is!" Maureen giggled.

"Gay," Mimi stated.

"Darn," Maureen laughed. Joanne turned bright red and stomped into Mark's room, slamming the door behind her. "POOKEY!" Maureen yelled and chased after her.

Collins held up his bottle of Stoli. "And we have our first fight," he toasted, clinking his glass with Mimi's. Collins and Mimi had become really close friends, as they were the two to suffer most from Angel's death.

"So, judging on their personalities, I'm guessing that's Joanne, and the one that hugged me was Maureen," Andrew sat down on the couch.

"Smart kid," Roger nudged Collins. "Isn't it weird living with your student?"

"Nah…" Collins shook his head.

"I think having Andrew around is good for Collins," Mimi said. "Hey Andrew, do you want to go out tonight with me and Roger? He's going to pick me up after work, and then we're headed to a bar."

"That sounds amazing," Andrew beamed.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"COLLINS! OPEN UP!" Mimi screamed through the door.

Collins begrudgingly got out of bed, and glanced at the clock. It was three in the morning.

"What do you want Mimi?" he said as he slid open the door.

Mimi walked right in to the loft, mad. "Collins! Andrew is a drag queen!"

"Yes, I know Meems. Is that all you wanted to tell me?" Collins rubbed his eyes.

"Collins, sit with me." So Collins joined Mimi on the couch. "Okay, I thought Andrew was good for you. I mean, he looks a little like Angel, but not too much. And I realized he started sleeping in your bed-"

"Mimi, he lives here now. I can't make him sleep on the couch!" Collins argued. "He pays more rent than Roger!"

"Collins, you're replacing Angel with Andrew," Mimi said quietly.

Collins was furious now. "MIMI! DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT! I'M NOT REPLACING HER! I'M NOT! NO ONE COULD EVER REPLACE HER! SHE'S THE ONLY ONE I COULD EVER LOVE! AND I DON'T LOVE ANDREW!"

"Shh… Collins, I know," Mimi placed her hand gently on his knee. "I know you don't love him. I think you're pretending that Andrew is Angel. I mean, in drag he looks exactly like her. He even talks like her, he called me 'sugar' the other day. And 'chica'. Angel's the only one who's ever called me that. Collins, I know that you're always going to love Angel, but you do need to start living. I'm not saying to get over her, and I'm not saying to forget her, I'm just saying that it's time to move on with your life. Angel wouldn't want you to stop living, you know that. And Andrew's like a mini-Angel, appearance wise, that is. And with him around, you're never going to move on. Andrew is not Angel. And he can't replace her. Andrew is a different person, Collins."

Collins just sighed. He knew she was right. Waking up in the morning and seeing Andrew next to him allowed Collins one more second of not remembering. And then he'd realize that the boy next to him wasn't his Angel. He'd remember. But it was worth it, just having that one extra second of forgetting had made everything worth it.

The next morning Collins explained everything to Andrew. Luckily, Andrew understood and promptly moved in with his brother. Why he hadn't done that in the first place Collins would never know.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Collins got up, brushed his teeth, put on a clean shirt, and headed to the cemetery. "Hey Ang," he whispered to her grave. He set a red rose by her stone and sat. "Happy Anniversary," he said. "You know what I realized Angel? I realized we never had an anniversary. Not a full year one, at least. On this night, one year ago, you saved me. Saved me from bleeding to death, but also from a frozen heart. I didn't care to live anymore, and you saved me from that feeling. But I've kind of fell back into that feeling Ang, can you save me again?" He adjusted the scarf around his neck, "Please Angelcake, I need you to answer me. You never do. Are you even listening to me!?" he was frustrated.

Then, he felt something. Something cold. A snowflake. A few fell softly to the ground around him. And pretty soon the white flurry was attacking him. "Okay Angel! I get it!" he laughed. Then he walked back home, with a happy memory floating through his head and a new attitude. He had to get back to the loft, Mark had baked a turkey.

LALALALALALALALALALALALALA

_"__Collins, look! It's snowing!" Angel screamed excitedly. She was sitting by the window, curled up with hot chocolate. Then she got up and practically flew over to the fire escape, spreading her arms wide and embracing the white flakes. _

_ "__Angel!" I shouted, following her out onto the metal balcony. "You're gonna freeze to death," I wrapped my arms around her. _

_ "__Oh Collins!" she huffed, still smiling. "I'm going to die anyways! You're the one who should stay inside! You and your perfect health," she giggled. I laughed and kissed her nose._

_ "__You see," she continued, "Snow is a sign. It's saying, 'don't go outside or you'll get sick' but it's also saying 'look at me I'm so beautiful, come dance in me.' So really it's saying to start living. To put everything at risk, throw caution to the wind, and start dancing. So if you're inside, you should definitely go outside and dance. But if you're outside, it's telling you to go inside, because there's something better, something or someone that needs you more inside." She smiled and kissed my nose._

_I laughed. "What was that for?" I asked._

_ "__There was a snowflake on your nose," she said._

_ "__Really?" I said sarcastically, swooping her up in my arms. "Well in that case, I think there may be one on your lips."_


End file.
